September 23, 2021
by Mary Clifford Morrell
As someone in the communication industry, who routinely asks questions or offers direction to colleagues through email, I still sometimes find myself responding to their emails with “I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear.”
Good, effective communication is not easy, especially when it’s not face-to-face, or at least voice-to-voice. Tone of voice, facial expression and body language are part of communication and help others better understand what we are trying to communicate.
Of course, that doesn’t make it fool-proof, especially where emotions are concerned.
We know open and honest communication is essential for our families, but often communications take place when we are frustrated, fearful, angry or hurt. Our words and our body language are reflective of our emotions, which may be honest at the time, but not effective in imparting what we truly want our children to hear and understand.
My biggest mistake as a grandparent, one I lost many nights of sleep over, was losing my patience with a screaming, defiant two-year-old and screaming back at him at full volume. Instead of stopping his screaming, he screamed louder, terrified by my reaction and running full speed in the other direction.
I could only calm him down by picking him up and apologizing for my behavior, kissing him and telling him multiple times that I shouldn’t have done what I did, and explaining, when he was quiet, that I had been upset by his behavior and I lost my patience. I admitted to him, in front of my other grandsons, that I, like any adult caring for a child, should never lose their patience and react as I did. I asked him if he could forgive me for what I did. I don’t know if he really understood forgiveness, though I’m sure his parents have spoken of it before, but he certainly understood my tone, putting his little arms around my neck and hugging me.
He’s also the grandson who would get frustrated when he tried to join in a conversation which his older brothers seemed to dominate. When he couldn’t stand it anymore he would start crying and yelling, “No one is listening to me!” When there is too much noise and not enough clear, honest communication, members of the family— whether they are children, adults, spouses or grandparents—won’t feel heard. It’s a wonderful thing when our children feel safe talking to us about anything. Often, they will follow our lead when we share our thoughts, feelings and dreams with them—without screaming, of course. Scripture offers us the wise direction to “speak the truth in love.” It’s a wonderful command for families where love is at the heart of everything.
Mary Regina Morrell, mother of six and grandmother to nine, is a Catholic journalist, author, and syndicated columnist who has served the dioceses of Metuchen and Trenton, New Jersey, and RENEW International in the areas of catechesis and communication.