by Mary Clifford Morrell
As someone in the communication industry, who routinely asks questions or offers direction to colleagues through email, I still sometimes find myself responding to their emails with “I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear.”
Good, effective communication is not easy, especially when it’s not face-to-face, or at least voice-to-voice. Tone of voice, facial expression and body language are part of communication and help others better understand what we are trying to communicate.
Of course, that doesn’t make it fool-proof, especially where emotions are concerned.
We know open and honest communication is essential for our families, but often communications take place when we are frustrated, fearful, angry or hurt. Our words and our body language are reflective of our emotions, which may be honest at the time, but not effective in imparting what we truly want our children to hear and understand.
My biggest mistake as a grandparent, one I lost many nights of sleep over, was losing my patience with a screaming, defiant two-year-old and screaming back at him at full volume. Instead of stopping his screaming, he screamed louder, terrified by my reaction and running full speed in the other direction.
I could only calm him down by picking him up and apologizing for my behavior, kissing him and telling him multiple times that I shouldn’t have done what I did, and explaining, when he was quiet, that I had been upset by his behavior and I lost my patience. I admitted to him, in front of my other grandsons, that I, like any adult caring for a child, should never lose their patience and react as I did. I asked him if he could forgive me for what I did. I don’t know if he really understood forgiveness, though I’m sure his parents have spoken of it before, but he certainly understood my tone, putting his little arms around my neck and hugging me.
He’s also the grandson who would get frustrated when he tried to join in a conversation which his older brothers seemed to dominate. When he couldn’t stand it anymore he would start crying and yelling, “No one is listening to me!” When there is too much noise and not enough clear, honest communication, members of the family— whether they are children, adults, spouses or grandparents—won’t feel heard. It’s a wonderful thing when our children feel safe talking to us about anything. Often, they will follow our lead when we share our thoughts, feelings and dreams with them—without screaming, of course. Scripture offers us the wise direction to “speak the truth in love.” It’s a wonderful command for families where love is at the heart of everything.
Mary Regina Morrell, mother of six and grandmother to nine, is a Catholic journalist, author, and syndicated columnist who has served the dioceses of Metuchen and Trenton, New Jersey, and RENEW International in the areas of catechesis and communication.
by Mary Clifford Morrell
One of my granddaughter’s favorite words is “imagine.” It prefaces much of her playtime with her sister and often revolves around dragons or horses or family scenarios. One of her favorite imaginings when she plays with Pop is being a baby horse hatching out of an egg.
She covers herself up with a blanket, gets on all fours and when Pop sees some shaking going on under the blanket, he knows the egg is about to crack and a tiny horse will be hatched. He never tells her horses aren’t hatched out of eggs. She knows that. Her response would simply be, “Imagine they are.” There’s power in imagination. Not only is imagining fun for children, which is the best reason to encourage it, but when children use their creative minds to imagine something they are developing processes that will help them in adulthood.
They are growing their social, emotional, physical, language, and problem-solving skills. When children imagine, they are in control of all situations, something they are not in real life. Imagining is a time for them to create their own stories, make their own rules, try out their own ideas, explore in their own way. They can even be the adult in the story for a change!
Certainly, living through the pandemic has made it clear to children that much of life is out of their control, for them and for their parents, too. Spending time in control, even in an imaginary situation, helps children maintain a positive perspective and develops an encouraged attitude toward achieving rather than failing. Maintaining the ability to imagine is important for children who will all too soon become adults.
Those adults who continue to imagine are those who create new ways of doing things, who invent, who build businesses and charities because they imagined, and believed, they could. Because children absorb everything they see and hear, it’s important that we, as the adults in their lives, give them the opportunity for their own imaginings, not simply the regurgitation of something they’ve seen in video games or TV shows.
Many of the popular video games today are violence based and it is reflected in the behavior of many children when they play. Famed educator, Dr. Maria Montessori, stresses the absorbent mind of the child, writing, “The things he sees are not just remembered; they form a part of his soul.” Just imagine what the world would be like if humanity had the soul of a child. Jesus called a little child to him and placed the child among the Disciples. “And he said: ‘Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.
Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.’”
Mary Regina Morrell, mother of six and grandmother to nine, is a Catholic journalist, author, and syndicated columnist who has served the dioceses of Metuchen and Trenton, New Jersey, and RENEW International in the areas of catechesis and communication.
by Mary Clifford Morrell
When I was a child, I had a special outdoor place that was all mine, a hide-away place where I could make-believe, dream or read my favorite Nancy Drew books beneath the thick cover of weeping willow branches stretched to reach the ground. It was a magical place, made more so by the frequent visits from lady bugs or grasshoppers or the one-eyed squirrel my mom fed every day, and where the only music I heard was bird songs. It was my version of a tree house which never got off the ground, but I loved it.
For my husband, his go-to place was the woods behind his house, complete with a small creek. He says most of his childhood was spent in those woods, exploring, building, collecting lizards and such, and making up games to play with friends.
In our generation, kids and outdoors were perfect together.
Today, many children are said to be suffering from what is referred to as nature deficiency disorder. Children’s natural connection to nature is being disrupted, with sad consequences for them and for nature.
Without time for free exploration of the outdoors, to observe, absorb and build connections with the wild things of earth, children will not learn to carry nature in their hearts and may not learn to care for the earth which provides so many blessings. For a child or young person who is by nature sensorial, needing to touch, smell, hear, and see, being outside is a rich sensory experience that cannot be matched indoors.
Of course, not everyone has a yard to play in or even open green space in their neighborhood. There is a true inequality of outdoor space distribution across cities and suburbs. So, sometimes we need to build in time for nature by taking nature walks in our neighborhoods, visiting national parks, which often have special activities just for children, or a local park where climbing and playing in the open air surrounded by trees and grass under their feet can be invaluable to a child’s mental and physical health.
Other times, bringing nature indoors may be a good solution—plants to care for, a bird nesting box on a window for viewing, treasure boxes for collecting nature’s simple gifts like pinecones, stones, a variety of leaves, seeds, shells, or sea glass if a beach trip is possible.
Children who can write may enjoy keeping their own explorer journal where they log their finds and answer questions like, “What does it feel like? Look like? “How is it used?” “Can it grow?”
Binoculars, magnifying glasses, shovels, inexpensive cameras, and plenty of containers of varying sizes support the young nature lover. Budding artists can be inspired with an easel and their favorite paints set up outdoors, invited by an almost unlimited supply of subjects and no paint on the floor.
Children have a remarkable ability for wonder, and nowhere will they experience it in such variety as in nature. Sharing that wonderful work of miracles with our children is the perfect time to teach them that the earth belongs to God and was created by God for our good. Then they may look forward to their role as future stewards of creation with love and joy.
Mary Regina Morrell, mother of six and grandmother to nine, is a Catholic journalist, author, and syndicated columnist who has served the dioceses of Metuchen and Trenton, New Jersey, and RENEW International in the areas of catechesis and communication.
by Mary Clifford Morrell
During a visit to a religious education class some years ago, I sat in a circle with 15 kindergarten children as their teacher engaged them in a discussion about the 10 Commandments and obeying the rules. I imagined she heard one of her charges say emphatically, “You’re not the boss of me!” and decided to talk about the idea of bosses.
A volley of questions and some hysterical answers got underway as children spoke about who they thought their teachers’ and parents’ bosses were, and what they were like (NOT a question that was asked but descriptions were offered none-the-less).
“Everyone has a boss, even the Pope!” stressed the teacher, pointing to the photo of then Pope John Paul II hanging on the wall.
“Who do you think his boss is?” she queried, anticipating that one of her young students would answer “God!”
A tousled-hair little boy who had laid down in the circle during the discussion suddenly shot up, his arm flailing wildly as he shouted, “I know, I know!”
The teacher smiled broadly as she called on him. He jumped to his feet and yelled, “His mom!!”
It was priceless, and definitely a reply to make a mother proud!
Obviously, this delightful child learned the lesson that in a family, mom—and dad—are the bosses. What he might not have been able to articulate is the truth that having parents in a position of loving authority provides him with an invaluable sense of security.
Through their divine vocation, God gives parents oversight of their children’s care and development. An important part of that care is discipline, a positive approach, often confused with punishment, a negative approach.
Discipline may be as simple as saying no, and meaning it. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t or can’t explain the reason for our no. It just means the consequence should be a certainty.
Let’s just consider the supermarket scenario. We’ve all been there. A child wants candy, parents say no. The child doesn’t accept no and the back and forth becomes louder and louder until the child is inconsolable. To save their sanity and regain decorum, the parent eventually gives in.
In that instant a child has learned that no doesn’t really mean no. If we repeat that inconsistency, it’s one lesson the child will never forget because it works in their favor, not ours.
No is an invaluable word in a parent’s arsenal, when used judiciously. Still, many parents are concerned that imposing limits, or discipline, on their children will hamper their child’s spirit.
In truth, discipline offered lovingly is a means of teaching the lessons which will hopefully lead children to adulthood with the understanding that the most important discipline is self-discipline.
If we reflect honestly on our lives as adults, we are likely to find that the areas of our lives we are most dissatisfied with are those in which we failed to exercise enough self-discipline—our health, our finances, our relationships, or reaching our professional or personal goals.
When St. Paul wrote to Timothy, he encouraged and strengthened the young disciple’s resolve for his ministry, stressing, “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.”
St Paul encouraged Timothy to rely on the Spirit of God. These are encouraging words for us as well as we strive to raise our children well.
Mary Regina Morrell, mother of six and grandmother to nine, is a Catholic journalist, author, and syndicated columnist who has served the dioceses of Metuchen and Trenton, New Jersey, and RENEW International in the areas of catechesis and communication.